Things Your Mother Should Have Told You - Part 1 (Elem., Jr. High, High School)

One of the rites of passage beyond forty is the dawning of light; of understanding, of knowing.  Perhaps some things, many things, are just left for each of us to figure out, to experience, to contemplate.  Some may have been too embarrassing to tell (for obvious reasons), others may have been too hush-hush, those things that were known or done but never, ever, spoken of. Perhaps she forgot, the older we get, the further away we are from life=s stages that we have left behind, and the crises within those stages that no longer seem to be the end of the world. Whatever their reasons for keeping us in the dark; ignorance, unawareness, religious doctrine, embarrassment, or just plain spite to watch us squirm, we slowly move through life=s phases on our own gathering bit after bit of knowledge, as those long-awaited Aahas,@ provide at least some satisfaction as we all too rapidly discover our world.  Perhaps your mother did tell you but you weren=t listening because you were too busy knowing all the answers, being mature, and making your own decisions.

It has been said many times that life does not come with an instruction manual, well why the heck not?  Enough of us have lived enough lives and been around enough blocks at this point to have pretty much experienced anything that could possibly come down the pipes.  In fiction writing, play writing, there is a theory that there are only a few stories that can be told, some say three, others say six, but it is from these few stories that every story is told.  Books are expensive to print but perhaps the cost of the manual could be included in the hospital=s delivery fee and is given to the person at birth.  Or, handouts could be given say beginning in the first or second grade, as soon as the child is able to read, then given in phases. It might read something like the following:

The developmental Years 

Phase One: Elementary school.  This would include:

The horror of the first day of school. 

You will be embarrassed in front of your entire class at some point because someone saw your underwear (that=s why she told you to change them),

You were the only one on the field trip who forgot to bring a sack lunch,

You carried a book bag/satchel and no one else did,

You cried in front of everyone for any number of reasons,

You forgot your line in the school play,

You brought a lunch from home in even worse, the wrong lunch box.

You arrived at your friend=s birthday party but had lost her birthday present.

You will cause at least one young man to go through life sterile because you kicked him too hard.

Your cat/dog/bird/rabbit/turtle/goldfish will die and you may not continue to keep it in your room.

You will receive more wet-willies than you care to.

You will be pushed down, shoved, humiliated on many occasions.

Your lunch money will be stolen.

You will learn to respond to a bell.

The cherished item you take for show-and-tell will be stolen and stomped on.

You will be mocked for joining a scout troop.

You will be mocked for knowing the answers, you will be mocked for not knowing the answers.

You will be called stupid even though you are not.

Your hair/nose/head/legs/knees/breasts/teeth/butt/feet/toes/lips/eyes/ears and any other bodily parts will be made fun of.

You will hear adults using bad words sometime, somewhere, and you will feel bad.

You will receive at least once, a grade less than you had expected thus first experiencing disappointment, disillusionment, anger, ridicule, the feeling of being cheated.

You will be told by at least one other child that their father makes more money, is handsomer, is stronger, has a better job, a faster car, and a bigger lawn-mower than your father does thus causing you to first question your father.

You will be asked by a member of the opposite sex to show Ayours.@

You will be the only girl who didn=t get to start shaving her legs/get her period/wear make-up/get a bra/go steady.

When you do go steady, your face will feel like it is on fire and could light up New York City.

Your best friend will steal your boyfriend (this will be repeated in all upcoming sections)

You will be called Achicken@.

You will fall down in front of everyone at a school assembly or function.

You will tip your chair over and fall backward.

You will mess your hair up trying to trim your own bangs.

You will fall in the mud and ruin your new outfit.

You will break something of value in your home.

You will lose your best friend.

You will lose the piece of jewelry your mother told you not to wear.

You will get lost at the store/mall/sporting event and they will have to call your parents on the loudspeaker to come and get you.

You will be stranded at least once without a ride home.

You will have a painful wreck on your bicycle, perhaps repeatedly, and you will still have the scar when you are forty.

You will fall from a tree/roof or somewhere high that you were told not to climb.

You will start at least a smoke fire in the kitchen trying to cook while your mother isn=t home.

You will accidentally let your bird/hamster/or other critter out of its cage and proceed to lose it in the house.

You will love story-time.

You will become too big for story-time.

You will wreck your mini-bike.

You will be thrown from a horse.

You will step on a rusty nail and have to get a tetanus shot.

You will need to have stitches.

You will get stung by a bee more than once.

You will not be chosen for something that for which you wanted to be chosen.

You will have the chicken-pox.

You will have the mumps.

You will have the three-day measles.

You will throw up at school at least once.

You will be beaten up at least once.

You will beat someone up at least once.

You will have to pull your baby teeth.

You will see an adult naked and it will scare the pants off you.

You will show up somewhere important wearing the same outfit as someone else (this is Acool@ in elementary school but is not acceptable when repeated in future phases).

You will steal your best friend=s boyfriend (this will be repeated in future phases)

You will feel frightened and homesick when sleeping over at a friend=s house.

You will mistakenly use an adult bathroom product in the wrong manner.

You will cut yourself trying to shave when you have been told not to shave yet.

Your friends will whisper about the birds and the bees

You will be forced to sit in a class about puberty.

You will be the only child not allowed to jump off a cliff (this will be repeated in future phases).

You will be bitten by a dog.

You will lose your lunch money.

You will peek at your Christmas/holiday/birthday presents.

You will believe in magic, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

You will try to steal candy from the store (this will be repeated in future phases if not caught, until caught and put in prison).

You will be made to wear a cap and your hair will look funny.

You will receive at least one spanking.

You will be forced to go to grown-up events that you do not understand i.e., holiday parties, funerals, weddings, office parties.

You will perform unwanted bodily functions that others will hear (this will continue through all phases until eventually you are placed in a rest home).

Your first love will break your heart.

Phase Two - Junior High

You will show up the first day of school unaware of any of the following items but by the end of the first day:  

You will become aware that you are Adifferent@

You will develop self-consciousness.

You will become judgmental.

You will succumb to peer pressure at least once, if not a thousand times.

You will cry multiple times a day.

Your breasts will be commented on multiple times a day, whether large or non-existent

You will be asked to smoke a cigarette (if this has not already occurred in Phase One)

You will be flashed.

You will be forced into at least one pre-sexual situation that you do not want to be in.

Your friends will all turn on you at least once.

You will turn on your friends at least once.

You will change friends 226 times between now and the end of Junior High.

You will become too embarrassed to continue to raise your hand in class.

You will no longer speak out or speak your mind in class.

You will no longer try to please your teachers for fear of ridicule, even if you like them.

You will no longer admit to liking them.

You will be sent to the principle=s office at least once for going along with something you didn=t want to do.

Your clothing will become more expensive (this will repeat through future phases until you have children, at which time you will revert to dirty sweats)

You will lie to a parent at least once about something important.

You will stop riding your bike.

You will stop playing outdoors.

You will stop catching lightening bugs and will not be allowed to catch them again until you have grand-children fifty years from now.

You will paint your nails black at least once.

You will begin to take baths on your own without being told.

Your best friend will steal your boyfriend again (see past and future sections)

A boy will dump you in a most humiliating way.

Peers will spread untrue rumors about you.

You will discover your body.

You will get as tall as you are going to get.

You will attend your first boy/girl party, having practiced dancing all week only to discover everyone is too afraid to dance.

You will have a first kiss.

You will no longer believe in magic, Santa Claus, the Toothfaerie or the Easter Bunny.

You will become completely and utterly confused

You will get your period and be completely horrified and think that you are going to bleed to death (if this did not occur in the previous phase and if you were giggling during the puberty film in fifth grade)

You will set the course for the rest of your life by the friends you choose, the classes you select, participating or not participating, tuning in or tuning out.

You will still be the only one not allowed to jump off a cliff.

High School

You will be termed a Afish@ for the next nine months suffering hourly mental and physical abuse and humiliation.

You will begin to be able to think as an adult, minus the long-term processing skills.

You will have your first baby-sitting job which will pre-determine your child-bearing years; if you love it you will have no children, if you hate it, you will have six.

You will be asked to try drugs (if this did not happen in the previous two phases)

You will develop a severe psychotic clinical case of paranoia.

You will assume that everyone on the planet is here to serve you.

You will overthrow your home and mutiny your parents; taking control of the television, the telephone, all cell phones, the printer, the scanner, the computer, the refrigerator, the snack cabinet, the bathroom, your mother=s closet, your mother=s bath products and make-up, the car, the car keys, the credit cards, any spare funds, your grandmother=s car and spare funds, all pens and pencils, and any other items that you deem to be necessary to your survival.

Although you learned early on in life and enjoyed doing it as a child, you will no longer remember how to use the alarm clock, the iron, the dishwasher, the broom, the vacuum, the mop, a wet rag, a dust rag, or your little finger.

You will no longer learn anything in school from this point on because you already know it all.

At least ten girls in your class will become pregnant.

Many will have been date-raped.

You will become pregnant if you have unprotected sex even one time, especially the first time.

You will throw up and feel like a truck ran over your head if you drink alcohol.    

You will resent anyone who tries to tell you what to do.

You will now only wear clothing purchased in a mall.

You will get braces and instead of making fun of your teeth, they will make fun of your braces.

In an honest attempt to be yourself, you will mistakenly wear the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, never to live it down, only to discover twenty years later it will be posted on Facebook.

You will be stood up on a date.

All body cells and operations do a reverse function action whereby you become nocturnal, sleep all day, eat all of the food in the house in under an hour and can no longer bend over to reach the socks on the floor.

Your room begins to look like the city dump and is noted as a fire hazard with the local authorities.

You will hate your hair, no matter what color, no matter what texture, no matter how it is cut.

You will drive at least once without a license.

You will no longer want to visit with your grandparents.

You will no longer travel with your parents.

You will get at least one pimple, and possibly many, many more depending on the amount of French fries and chocolate you eat.

You will have only three thoughts: me, me, me.

You will fall down, walk into walls and be basically mal-functional.

If you have received and followed this manual you will come to your senses, graduate with honors, plan for college and have escaped your teens without a baby, having still retained most of your brain-cells, and be ready to take on the world.

copyright Cheryl Bruedigam 2015